


Bethany-A Parody

by PerfectForAllTheWrongReasons



Series: Bethany [4]
Category: 20th Century CE RPF, Columbine - Fandom, Original Work
Genre: Columbine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-13
Updated: 2015-06-13
Packaged: 2018-04-04 06:09:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4127799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PerfectForAllTheWrongReasons/pseuds/PerfectForAllTheWrongReasons
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An author's dose of sarcasm</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bethany-A Parody

**Author's Note:**

> **Title:** Bethany-A Parody  
>  **Author:** Perfect For All The Wrong Reasons  
>  **Rating:** There are no words to describe how pathetic it is  
>  **Published:** Fifteen minutes tops  
>  **Chapters:** 1, you’re lucky I had enough uncreativeness to get a full chapter  
>  **Word Count:** Why bother. It’ll be over with in two shakes of Sparky’s tail  
>  **Characters:** Bethany Russell and Eric Harris  
>  **Summary:** A really bad version of Bethany complete with bad grammar and punctuation.  
>  **Warnings:** May induce severe headache followed by projectile vomiting  
>  **Note:** Mandy Vaughn, Matt Abernathy, and a few other fictional people from the real Bethany requested to have no part in this writing. They feared it would permanently defame their character.  
>  ***Disclaimer:** Author has no information surrounding the hype that Dave Cullen assisted in this short train wreck of a story. Tis only a rumor until proven otherwise.  
>  **Dedication:** For all of you rigid Columbiners refusing to read the real Bethany because you assume it to be a poorly written “Mary Sue” fanfic. This one’s for you, enjoy.

(Setting: Tuesday April 20, 1999-because it would be so unoriginal to have the story take place at any other time)

 It’s morning. I wake up in my new room. My room’s really big and spacious, not to mention HUGE. It’s my second day at my new school, Columbine. I didn’t want to move but my dad took a new job and since he has to work we had no choice but to come back to Littleton. As usual, I put on my cutest outfit and skip the makeup. I’m such a natural beauty, I don’t need it anyway. I’m tall with long hair and have a nice body. I’ve got blue eyes. I pretty much look like Barbie if that helps. I’m wearing a tight shirt and skinny jeans. I’m such a fashionista, I knew this trend was coming in advance of everyone else. On my way to school, my friend Robyn called obviously because my cell phone is ringing and she’s like, “Hi Bethany, where are you at? That guy, you know, the one in the trench coat is asking about you”. This is no surprise to me since the boy stared at me all day my first day, which was yesterday. “Almost there,” I tell her. I get out of my really awesome car and the sun is so bright as I see the guy waiting in the parking lot obviously waiting for me. He smiled. “Hi I’m Bethany,” I tell him in my sweetest softest voice. “I know, and I’m Eric but you can call me Reb,” he said to me. I walk with him inside the school cafeteria. I saw another boy in a trench coat sitting at a table. He catches my eye and waves his hand to signal me and Eric to him. Dylan greets me. “Hi Bethany,” he said with a smile. He gave me a big HUGE hug followed by another. I was fine with it though, since I’m used to getting hugs from guys all the time, girls too. I could tell that Eric was getting jealous so I made Dylan stop. “Would you like to sit with us?” Eric finally asked. I was already in the chair before he finished the sentence!!! I had a little trouble, though, getting settled because the space between the table and my chair was not enough room in which to make way for my HUGE boobs so I reclined back just like Eric and this was fine because he put his arm around me and I liked this and so did he. He leaned over and whispered in my ear. “I have a house in Aspen. Want to skip school and go there?” “Sure,” I tell him because I know what will take place there with us being alone and I can’t wait. He’s so handsome. Did I mention I have the words “Natural Selection” written on my tshirt? What a coinkydink! Eric’s shirt says this too!! We drive to Eric’s house in Aspen. The sun is so bright. Brighter than it was in Littleton. We no sooner walked inside than Eric had his hands all over me. (insert awkward sex between two high schoolers but in Bethany’s mind, she delivers the experience to Eric like a seasoned porn star) “Ohhhh, that was soooo good Bethany,” Eric tells me more than once. “Omg it was SO good for me too!” I told him back. “Well, we better head back home,” Eric says to me. It’s dark out, so dark I can’t see good, and out of nowhere, someone jumps out at us but I don’t know who because like I said, I can’t see. “Oh no, Bethany! It’s a rival gang member and he’s here to start trouble! I don’t have my trench coat and with no trench coat, I have no gun. What are we going to do?” yelped Eric. I reach into my purse. “I got this,” I tell him with pride. I pull out a gun and I shoot the man for him. As I shot him, he died. “Wow!” Eric yelled because he was so impressed. “Would you like to join my gang, TCM?” he asks. “I’d love to,” I answer. “Then, let’s leave and go get your gang tattoo and I’ll introduce you to all the other members of TCM.” We leave and after doing all of this Eric said, “I want to marry you so bad. Why don’t we just elope?” I’m so thrilled right now I can’t even talk. Eric is so cute and I knew a day ago, he was the one for me. Later the next day, I see Eric looking at a book, more like a journal that was black and he hid it at first but later gave it to me so I could look at it too. He smiled and said, “I was going to do all that stuff and shoot up Columbine but now that I have you Bethany, I’ve decided not to go through with it.” I knew deep down Eric would choose me over killing because he loves me that much. The next day was fun because he took me to meet his mom Kathy Harris. I also met Eric’s dog Sparky. Kathy Harris loved me the minute she met me. She gave me a big smile because she knows that me and Eric got married and she is okay with this. In fact, she couldn’t be happier that her son is married to someone as hot as me. I love Eric and he loves me and now I’m so glad my dad made me move to Littleton. If I hadn’t moved, I wouldn’t have met Eric and married him and had sex with him. My life is perfect. It was perfect before, but now its even better and funner. I can’t believe I convinced Eric to not go through with the shootings at Columbine simply from my good looks. I am truly a hero for saving all those people. And I’m really pretty too. The End.

 (IQ recovery process currently underway. Thank god it’s over.)

-Perfect For All The Wrong Reasons

 


End file.
